Mourning
by PLLHalebSpoby
Summary: Spoilers for 3x17 "Out of the Frying Pan, Into the Inferno." Spencer struggles with her feelings of loss and betrayal and mourns the relationship she had with Toby and the person she thought he was. Review and enjoy!


_Cover my eyes. _

_Cover my ears._

_Tell me these words are a lie. _

_It can't be true that I'm losing you._

Ryandan

* * *

The biting and unforgivable November weather clung to the air like moths to a flame as Spencer Hastings' Toyota Highlander (a gift from her parents for Sweet Sixteen), rolled to a stop in the outskirts of Rosewood, near Philly. The place was discreet, out of the way, perfect for the arrangement and the person she was meeting in secret.

With shaking but determined hands, she leaned over, digging through her purse for her Clinique mascara; unscrewing the cap, she held the wand tightly in her quivering hand, feeling like another piece of her heart was irrevocably breaking.

She finished applying the mascara—but barely. The breath she forcibly sucked in, trying to shove all of the crap out, did little to help as her entire frame shook with broken sobs. Before, she had been in denial, denying the obviousness and the horror of what she had seen and the awful realization that came with it, but here it was, in her face, what she was about to do and what it _meant_.

Each gentle touch, each breathtaking, melt-to-your-knees kiss, and each hug where she seemed to mold to his body perfectly, had it all been a lie? Each kiss, each hug, each touch, had it all been a perfectly planned, perfectly executed lie?

_Why? _She thought. _Why him? Why did this have to happen? _

Spencer didn't let people in easily, never trusted her heart with anyone that might take advantage of it. Toby was the first person besides her friends that she had let in like that, he was the one guy that, until that point, hadn't betrayed her and hadn't given her a reason _not _to trust him.

The tears that poured down her face, leaving her shaken and broken, were for a lot of things that she, realized with a jolt to her stomach, for the first time. It was more than finding out that Toby was A, as if that wasn't enough, but she also knew that she was in mourning.

She mourned for the person that she _thought _Toby was, she mourned their relationship, regardless if it was a lie or not because it was the most real thing that she had ever had before, she mourned each late night talk, each hug, each discreet kiss and touch, and more than that, she mourned for the safety his love had provided and the safety she had come to associate with him.

_No, _she thought with a quick but determined shake of her head. _I can't do this here. _She pulled out her light red lipstick, just a shade lighter than the Jungle Red lipstick Ali used to favor, and dabbed some on her lips before using her finger to smooth it over.

Walking into the rustic, cabin-looking diner, Spencer had a fleeting, stabbing moment of doubt before she squared her shoulders and walked with typical Hastings determination over to a table that was discreet but not out of the way. "Hey." She had found this private investigator online, looked up his number and called him. Truth was, she was tired. She would have done the sleuthing herself, but doing that would have involved telling her friends the secret, and she knew she wasn't ready for that yet.

After their pleasantries were exchanged and the information given, Spencer sat in a numb sort of shock as the forty-something investigator slid smoothly out of the booth, a confident, quirky smile on his lips as if he had been doing it for years.

She sucked in a breath, feeling the all too familiar sting behind her eyelids as she stared down at the torn picture of her and Toby that used to be a perfect reminder of the love they had for each other. She stared down at it, feeling a mixture of devastation and anger as she stared down at how foolishly and deliriously happy she had been.

_How stupid_, she thought, with a scoff. _I should have known, should have realized. _After all, when had she ever been so lucky as to assume that, for once, she could have something that didn't have to do with A and didn't have to do with her screwed up family and home life?

_Rip. _Her heart clenched with the violent rip she mad in the picture. _Rip. _Every single sweet thing Toby had done with her, every piece of advice he had given her, had it all been for A's benefit? _Rip. _The devastation she knew wouldn't leave her heart for a long time, and the love she had for him, wouldn't leave either. But ripping the picture, it felt strangely empowering.

* * *

_This episode, to me, showed the depth of Spencer's love for Toby and just how real and devastating his betrAyal was for her. She's always been this strong, unbreakable person and to know that she's not that unbreakable and that something like this could break her, show this new side of her, is a sobering thing. I've rewatched the scene of her in the car before going to meet the private investigator, over and over again and her breaking down like that never fails to bring a tear to my eye and make my chest clench. She really loved him. As Troian said, Toby is the love of her life and that kind of love just doesn't go away. _


End file.
